Good afternoon, Mr. Elliot,

It was brought to my attention that you would like to renew both your straight and gay cards this year? Now while that is certainly all fine and good, may I recommend merely renewing your gay card, where you will be upgraded to the Gold Level? It says here that you grew up listening to musicals and know the words to “The Ladies Who Lunch” in your sleep. With the Gold Level Gay Card, you will get exclusive benefits like the occasional hookup in West Hollywood, someone throwing shade at you for no particular reason, lots of women clamoring for your advice on fashion, and reserved tickets for the next two Meryl Streep movies.

However, due to the fact that your Bronze Level Straight Card is still active, you’re unable to upgrade your Gay Card just yet. It seems that you haven’t been utilizing your Straight Card…